Writing Challenge: Fumblerules

I have an idea for a character who is exceedingly generous in his speech – he never uses a ten-cent word when a dollar word will do. (Meaning he prefers using long words and flowery language, to the point of confounding whoever he’s talking with. And probably the reader, too, but we won’t get into that.) I was inspired by some of the characters in the movie O Brother, Where Art Thou?

Anyway, being the lazy sort, I was looking for an online tool to help me convert my ordinary writing into obfuscatory oratory and came across William Safire’s Fumblerules of Grammar instead. It has such never-say-neverisms as “It is incumbent on us to avoid archaisms” and “Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.”

And “And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction” as well as “Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.”

Your challenge for today is to violate as many of these fumblerules in as short a piece as possible. Please post your results in the comments below.

Oh, and if you should come across a good a good tool for converting plain-spoken words into obtuse, flowery phrases, please let me know!

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About Kurt Schweitzer

A former vampire logistics facilitator, past purveyor of Italian-style transportation, and Y2K disaster preventer, I'm currently creating websites, novels and other fictions while reinventing myself. Again.
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